Ancient Of Days on :
I was with you all the way up to "Well. So much for the male ego. At least she's honest."
Tuesday, August 16. 2005Howell Clarke
Wow. One more time. Wow. That is one girl I could look at all day long. She's . . . yeah, well there's nothing to complain about there. But remember the D's. Don't think it's real from a distance, in the dark, in a dress, or when you're drunk
Closer now, though, and she still looks good. And she talks, too, look at that. "Hey, how's it going? I think this the first time I've seen you without a gun." My voice sounds a little bit weird I like her better when she's not threatening me. Whoa! Hold on! I think this is the first time I've seen her without THAT, too. And everything there's definitely all real. No distance here, and no darkness either. I feel a little drunk, but I'm sure I'm not, and well, there's definitely no dress. What's going on here? Umm. Wow. Lala really wouldn't be too happy if she saw this. I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding. OH! Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. You idiot. You looked! What were you thinking? DON'T TOUCH! What's wrong? she asks! Why am I nervous? she says! What's the problem? Well isn't that obvious? This isn't supposed to be happening. Lala would kill me if she knew. "Look, I have a girlfriend. A girlfriend named Lala. And you're not her." I don't?! I'll bet you I do! You haven't been watching me as closely as you think you have been.
"Yes, I do have a girlfriend. I think I'd know more about my own love life than you would." Ok. Thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think far-away thoughts. Why do you care who my girlfriend is? Are you going to kill her? Well, I think she can take care of herself. "Yes, her nickname is Lovely_Lips." Ok, that's a little bit embarassing. "No, I haven't ever met her in real life." Why do you care about all of this? "No, I don't know for sure what Lala looks like. Yes, I've seen her picture, but you know, the pictures people send over the internet aren't always really accurate. Why does it matter to you? What are you trying to do? Well. So much for the male ego. At least you're honest. "Look, you don't have to do this to buy my help. I'll help you with whatever I can, and I'll tell you if I can't help you, OK?" Stupid question! "Of course I liked it. I'm a human male." Oh dear, I don't like where this is going. "Yes, I think you're pretty. But that doesn't mean it was right. I mean, it felt good, and I felt bad, does that make sense? " This is really getting dangerous. I liked her better when she was threatening my life. "No, I don't want to dump Lovely_Lips for you. You don't really want me. I'm just convenient." Trackbacks
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Ancient Of Days on :
I was with you all the way up to "Well. So much for the male ego. At least she's honest."
Ancient Of Days on :
I see a bit of a problem in the approach to this section. It feels too much like an "inside joke". For the people who (can and) choose to expend the effort to follow you, there's a nice payoff in learning to read between the lines, but I think some readers would just get frustrated and give up, especially since it seems likely we'll see the events in hindsight at some later point. If you want them to work for the payoff, you need to make it a little bit easier.
Mad Giggler on :
picky, picky
Mad Giggler on :
um, he hoped she was interested in him, but she flat out told him "no"
radar on :
I'm with AoD. A little confusing to follow.
Mad Giggler on :
Jared says I'm wrong. So, he's going to retool this entry.
Ancient Of Days on :
All of my above comments were solicited in some fashion by Jared and relate to an earlier revision of the post than the one you're reading above.
radar on :
I still stand by what I say. I was more than a little confused by what was going on. I sort of knew, but was lost during most of it.
Daboo on :
Revision seems clear enough, for a reader willing to go slowly. It seems that she says she wants to buy his help, which was what crushed his ego--because it was a business deal rather than attraction, or whatever.
Doesn't paint a positive picture of the girl, though, Jared. She now seems more empty-headed and slutty, and less tough and smart. Maybe that's what you wanted... radar on :
Okay, definetly no mistaking what was happening there! Great work.
You could have toned down the begining a little and still gotten to the same place I think. Let me look again.... Yeah, you could lose the part about the D's, in both the first and fith paragraphs. It seems a little crass for you Jared. But if that is really what Howell would think, and you really feel like it is needed to get the point across, then it could stay(I certainly wasn't offended). My opinion is that you can do without it. However, great job! I think you really got the scene across the way you wanted it. And you left it ambiguous enough to allow the reader to think what might actually be happening, instead of having to describe every salacious detail. |
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