Television, 2012 - Snark Never Dies

But first, the 2012 wave of trash...

666 Park Avenue (ABC) [Premieres: Sunday, Sept. 30 at 10/9c]
The supernatural drama stars Dave Annable (Brothers & Sisters) and Rachael Taylor (Charlie's Angels) as an innocent Midwestern couple who get hired as resident managers of The Drake, an apartment building owned by Lost's Terry O'Quinn. The catch: The residents have all made deals with The Devil to have their deepest desires fulfilled. This show - for reasons I cannot plumb - wants to be a combination of Desperate Housewives and the Keanu Reeves stinkbomb "The Devil's Advocate." Because, it seems, what's REALLY missing from our existing crop of mind-numbing opiates is a season full of people making dealts with Satan. My prediction: Doesn't make it to November.

Animal Practice (NBC) [Premieres: Wednesday, September 26 at 8/7c]
Justin Kirk stars in a comedy about a vet who acts like Doctor House, but without the skill. I will quote now for you the teaser written by the studio: "the true star of the show - and let's face it, the whole fall season is Crystal the Monkey". That's right, folks - the television execs have already set the bar for us - a monkey is going to be the star of the fall season. It's like they were writing this just to set the studio up for me. My prediction: Skip this one - the monkeyshines aren't going to be amusing anyone past Halloween.

Arrow (CW) [Premieres: Wednesday, Oct 10 at 8/7c]
This one might turn out OK - I'll admit, I had stopped watching Smallville long before the character of Oliver Queen was introduced to the series (I gave up after the introduction of their TERRIBLE take on Lois Lane), but this one might bring me back to the CW for one hour each week. Stephen Amell stars as the eponymous Green Arrow, a wealthy playboy by day and a vigilante crime-fighter by night - yeah, basically Batman, but with a bow. Katie Cassidy co-stars as Queen's girlfriend, who rumours hint might become the Black Canary. My predition: I want to watch this. Unfortunately for Amell et al., this means the studio will either screw it up, or cancel it. Look for it to be a bomb by Christmas.

Beauty and the Beast (CW) [Premieres: Thursday, Oct 11 at 9/8c]
Kristin Kreuk and Kiwi Jay Ryan star in this remake of the 1987 commercial failure starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman. While I liked the 1987 version, this one looks to be a grade A stinker. My prediction: Finishes the season, but the Beast doesn't get a second chance this time. A one-season flop.

Ben and Kate (Fox) [Premieres: Tuesday, September 25 at 8:30/7:30c]
When I first heard about this one, the word was that the super-hilarious Jim Rash (Dean Pelton from Community, also a recent Oscar winner for his work on Descendants) was going to be involved, and I thought "That could be funny." Unfortunately, I can no longer find any indication that Mr. Rash is involved in this screwball-style comedy about a man who moves in with his sister who is a single mom to help her take care of her daughter Maddie (Maggie Elizabeth Jones, who appears to be this decade's Dakota Fanning). My prediction: If Rash isn't involved, I think this one ends up drowning in its own smarm by mid-season.

Chicago Fire (NBC) [Premieres: Wednesday, October 10 at 10:00/9:00c]
The guy who brought you Law & Order takes a hard look at the Fire Department. Between the involvement of Dick Wolf, and the strong likelihood that there will be lots of fit, bare-chested men getting in touch with their feelings, I think we probably have an unfortunate hit on our hands with this one. My prediction: Look for the "New York Fire" and "Miami Fire" spin-offs inside of five years.

Elementary (CBS) [Premieres: Tuesday, Sept. 25 at 10/9c]
Look - Steve Moffat and the folks at the BBC created a BRILLIANT show with their series "Sherlock", and Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have nailed their characters. However, CBS appears to have misread why Sherlock is a hit...Sherlock as a recovering addict and NYPD consultant, with a Lucy Liu (gag) as "Dr. Watson" - because, you know, what Sherlock stories were ALWAYS missing was a romance between Holmes and Watson. My prediction: CBS is expecting a Sherlock-like following, and it's never going to happen because they fail to understand why Moffat has been so successful. Due to the disappointing numbers and the complete failure of on-screen chemistry, this one won't see the end of its first season. Also, if you haven't yet watched the BBC Sherlock, you should stop reading this article and go watch it RIGHT NOW. It's brilliant.

Emily Owens, M.D. (CW) [Premieres: Tuesday, Oct 16 at 9/8c]
I guess this is Meryl Streep's kid? I don't know, I was too buys laughing up my sleeve at the premise - a woman who has graduated med-school find herself having trouble dealing with her high school nemesis?! Ridiculous plot aside, this one will probably survive just on the strength of Streep's inevitable cameo. My prediction: Makes it at least to the mid-season break, but not much further.

Go On (NBC) [Premieres: Tuesday, September 11 at 9/8c]
I'm cheating here, because I've already watched this one. Matthew Perry's new comedy might just be the star of the season in my book. Perry plays Ryan King, a sportscaster whose wife has recently died. Between the Bill Cobbs' turn as the blind man George, Seth Morris as perputal doormat Danny, lead therapist Lauren (Laura Benanti), who honed her skills as a Weight Watchers coach, and Brett Gelman - whose super-creepy "Mr. K" has stolen every episode so far, this cast is firing on ALL cylinders, and I hope this becomes the next great "Must See" comedy. My prediction: The writing, acting, and direction are working; NBC is advertising the daylights out of it; and they've given it a great time slot - it seems NBC owes Mr. Perry a few, maybe he'll finally collect. I hope we get a great 3-5 year run out of this one.

Made in Jersey (CBS) [Premieres: Friday, Sept. 28 at 9/8c]
My contacts who watch that kind of thing tell me that somehow, CBS managed to talk a woman named Brit Janet Montgomery into playing the fictional version of the infamous "Snooki". Hilarity ensues, one would presume...because there's nothing funnier than...look, I can't even finish that sentence. I hope the guy who Greenlighted this never works in TV again. My prediction: This show will probably run for 25 years - people like this crap for some reason.

Guys With Kids (NBC) [Premieres: Wednesday, September 26 at 8:30/7:30c]
Jimmy Fallon wants people to think he's funny again, and there's nothing funnier in Hollywood right now than inept parenting. My prediction: Cancelled at mid-season, if not before.

The New Normal (NBC) [Premieres: Tuesday, September 11 at 9:30/8:30c]
You might think I would hate this show because of the suggestion that being a gay couple hiring a surrogate mother is now "the new normal", but you'd be wrong. The humour was insulting to the intelligence of the viewership - someone needs to teach these writers that it's OK to expect an audience to have a brain. My prediction: The numbers thus far show this is already the stinker of NBC's Fall season. I expect it will be cancelled by November.

Last Resort (ABC) [Premieres: Thursday, Sept. 27 at 8/7c]
Halfway between "Lost" and "The Hunt for Red October", this looks to be one of the highlights of the fall season. After refusing questionable orders to fire its nuclear devices on Pakistan, the crew moves to an island and declares themselves an independent nation-state while they try to find out the truth behind the conspiracy to sink them. My prediction: Like every other attempt to repeat the ultimately disppointing "Lost", I expect that this will be cancelled before the plot can really take root.

Malibu Country (ABC) [Premieres: Friday, Nov. 2 at 8:30/7:30c]
Reba McEntire plays a woman named, imaginitively enough, "Reba" who leaves her cheating husband to make it on her own. Yes, you've seen this before. It was funny enough last time, I think it will probably draw a lot of the viewers who miss the combination of "down-home" style jokes and vindictive, "woman-spurned" gutter humour from the previous iteration. My prediction: A solid year run, may be cancelled midway through its second season.

The Mob Doctor (Fox) [Premieres: Monday, September 17 at 9:00/8:00c]
Much like we already see NBC's "The New Normal" getting punished in the ratings for dismissing the intelligence of its audience, this new pseudo-docudrama from Fox is falling fast in the ratings. It's doubly unfortunate in this case, because between the brilliant William Forsythe and the nonfiction roots in "Il Dottore" (in which a doctor becomes complicit in organized crime), I thought this show had a lot of potential. Maybe the creative staff can turn it around before they get cancelled, but if past performance is an indicator of future failure, it seems unlikely. My prediction: No more than mid-season.

Vegas (CBS) [Premieres: Tuesday, Sept. 25 at 10/9c]
Based on the true story of Las Vegas Sheriff Ralph Lamb, CBS' "Vegas" brings us one of my favorite actors - Dennis Quaid - in his TV debut as a rancher who goes up against The CommishShieldThing Mob (Michael Chiklis) to help bring order to Sin City against the backdrop of the 1960's. My prediction: Again - I want to watch this one, which means it'll be cancelled before anyone has really given it a chance.

Partners (CBS) [Premieres: Monday, Sept. 24 at 8:30/7:30c]
Will & Grace creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick bring CBS a new comedy about friends of different sexual oritentaions - straight Joe (David Krumholtz, previous of "Numbers" and Mr. Universe of "Serenity") and gay "bestie" Louis ("Ugly Betty"'s Michael Urie), struggle to maintain their friendship as they face various mid-life crises. Hilarity ensues, one would presume...because there's nothing funnier than a gay and straight odd-couple. My prediction: Another long run for another Kohan show I have zero interest in.

The Mindy Project (Fox) [Premieres: Tuesday, September 25 at 9:30/8:30c]
Mindy Kaling (a writer on "The Office", as well as playing the character Kelly Kapoor) stars and creates this new series being billed by Fox as "Bridget Jones' Diary, but less British and with more scrubs." Though Mindy works as an OBGYN, she can't seem to get her own love life on track. It'll probably be moderately funny, but I don't think I'll be watching this one - too much pseudo-drama for me. My prediction: It's Fox. If it's any good, it'll be cancelled quickly; if it's terrible, they'll run it until long after everyone else has realized it should be cancelled.

Nashville (ABC) [Premieres: Wednesday, Oct. 10 at 10/9c]
Connie Britton (recently "Mrs. Coach Taylor" of Friday Night Lights) stars as Rayna James, a 40-something country singer whose fade has begun its inevitable retreat, so her label demands that she open for new teen sensation Juliette Barnes (Hayden "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" Panettiere), and drama ensues on both sides. Add Tennessee politics and sexual escapades, and you've got 2012's "Lone Star". My prediction: Will probably outlast Reba 2.0Malibu Country.

The Neighbors (ABC) [Premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 26 at 8:30/7:30c]
ABC attempts to recreate the success of NBC's "3rd Rock From the Sun" by flipping the dynamic: normal humans trying to survive and thrive in a community of aliens. Hilarity ensues, one would presume...because there's nothing funnier than...well, OK, this forumla has more or less worked once before. My prediction: The execs are going to expect first season numbers to match later seasons of "3rd Rock", and it's never going to happen. Cancelled by mid-season.

Revolution (NBC) [Premieres: Monday, September 17 at 10:00/9:00c]
J.J. Abrams (Lost) and Eric Kripke (Supernatural) bring to television what - thus far - appears to a rehash of S. M. Sterling's "Dies the Fire". Could be good, which means it's not likely to survive. My prediction: Cancelled just as the story starts to get good, however long that takes.

OK, My Bad...

Last year, I mocked the following shows that actually turned out to be quite enjoyable:

Person of Interest
The dynamic between Michael Emerson and Jim Caviezel turned out to not be nearly as important as the dynamic between Jim Caviezel and each week's eponymous POI. I think this was the break-out hit of 2011, and cannot wait for the new season to start back up.

New Girl
I'm going to go ahead and call this one my "guilty pleasure". Look, I like watching a Deschanel now and again, and Bones has been dead to me since they ruined the character of Zack, all right?

Revenge
I still haven't watched this one, but it seems to have almost coasted into a renewal. Maybe it's time to give it a chance?